I’m Still Here

And so I sit in my processing group at my Intensive Outpatient Program at Vandy Psych.

“I’m just tired and ready to give up. This is my third IOP since my senior year of high school. I went through PHP and inpatient care. I did a residential program when I was a junior in high school. I use my DBT skills and I still go through hard things and still struggle with coping and still wish I wasn’t here sometimes and still go to PAS and still have panic attacks and crying spells. And yet, I’m still here,” I said, gesturing to the psych hospital.

Several of my peers raised their hands to offer support, feedback, and validation. I loved the processing group because it wasn’t an adult being paid by the hour to listen to me. It was real young adults experiencing real things who had helpful insights into what I was struggling with and going through.

I got some encouraging comments on how I was strong and brave for continuing treatment, which I appreciated even if I did not believe these comments. I received validation from others who were also experiencing treatment fatigue and in similar situations with feeling exhausted.

Then a new friend of mine raised their hand.

“You ended by saying ‘I’m still here,’ and I think that I took that differently than you intended it to be taken. Because, yes, Lauren. You are still here.”

Maybe I am tired and ready to give up. Maybe I still go to PAS periodically and maybe I am still dealing with intrusive thoughts. Maybe this will be a lifelong struggle or maybe this sh– I mean– stuff– is about to be over and I’m going to get a break soon.

I’m still here, I thought, sitting in process group.

And I’ll be back tomorrow.